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I don’t think that feeling of vulnerability is totally unique to women, though. In fact, sometimes I feel bad for men—don’t quote me on that—when I think about how they must feel when they’re not confident having sex. It’s become so normalized for them to lead so much of the Anakin skywalker 2023 shirt and by the same token and interaction. As a woman, you could quite easily go through almost the entire thing without doing anything. Everything you do is seen as a plus. There’s so much more pressure on them to perform. When I’m in social situations and I can’t stop second-guessing myself, I’ve found I can usually work my way out of self-consciousness by forcing myself to say everything that comes into my head even if it’s stupid. After a while I become unblocked, thoughts start to fall out of me without my pushing them to, and I realize I do actually have a personality. I wonder if that might be a good thing to do with sex—to make myself do everything I go to do or say until my mind and body become the same thing again.
Teenage me would react to this anxiety by attempting to acquire more knowledge. I’d be studying Cosmopolitan looking for blowjob tips and reading about whether the Anakin skywalker 2023 shirt and by the same token and “gluck gluck 9000” that podcaster Alex Cooper always talks about is as good as she makes out. But I’m old enough now to know I can’t solve these insecurities away from sex, but only within it, in a bed with someone I’m comfortable with, who doesn’t make me feel like they’re going to message the group chat about how they can’t get me out of the house if I stay too long. Someone it doesn’t become awkward with when we both have to turn away from each other to undress because, for some reason, taking jeans off has become immensely difficult. Someone I like enough that we can keep on doing it, again and again, so that when we’re finished with each other the next woman might find the outline of me there, and wonder who I was.
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